I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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