life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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