I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
