I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
