I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
