oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
