Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
