I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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