Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
