Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
