If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When are your genitals available?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
