Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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