I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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