Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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