He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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