I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
