I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
