Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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