I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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