Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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