Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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