Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
