Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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