I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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