i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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