I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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