I just cut my nipple shaving
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
