How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
