I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Duck Duck Cougar?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
