She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
