I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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