It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
