i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
