i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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