I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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