my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
