I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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