I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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