it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Two words: blizzard sex
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
