Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
