So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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