Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
