looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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