You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
