i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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