Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
