no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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