Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
