Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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