Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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