I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
