oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
