R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
