my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
