i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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