i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
