God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
