DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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