I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
