I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
